MAN VS SPIDER
by Hetaliawall
Summary: While in an Australian hotel the amazingly brave country that is the United States finds himself confronted by his worst enemy, a giant wolf spider. This is the tale of how he defeats this mighty beast!


MAN VS. SPIDER

 _Australia, the land of an ancient and new culture blending, astounding food, and rugged wildlife that wants to tear your face off and eat it for dessert. Not to mention the weather! But then again, that's a different story...However that being said, there is one creature in Australia that could scare anyone._

 _ **Lycosidae**_ _, also known as the Wolf Spider. This creature has the size of up to thirty millimeters, making it almost the size of a hand, elevated intelligence that makes it the perfect hunter, in fact this creature hunts so well that it is said to hunt as good as an entire pack of wolves, hence the name "wolf spider"...….So now, we will get to see who would win in this battle of brains and brawn._

 _The man? Or the spider?_

At first, he almost didn't see it. The creature hid so well in the shadows of the Australian hotel that he almost stepped on it. _Almost_ being the keyword, if that had actually happened….The great, _brave_ nation of the United States of America probably would have died right on the spot. However, he was alive for now and that was the most important thing. The almost comically large spider rested in the corner of the kitchen, right by the fridge just close enough to where if Alfred were to go to the fridge for his midnight snack as planned, it would probably eat his foot when all he wanted was some leftovers!

This wouldn't work, he _had_ to get this black haired demon _out_ of his room... This was obviously a question for Google.

With a quick search, Alfred was able to find an easy guide to getting rid of spiders, and since it's on the internet, it _obviously_ had to be true!

METHOD NUMBER ONE: _CONTAINMENT_

 _Try to gently corral the spider into a cup, then set it free outside. Remember that the spider is more scared of you than you are of it!_

"Ok..Yeah…. _Right,_ that little demon is for _sure_ more scared than I am...Oh well, the hero gives his enemies mercy so let's try this!"

Alfred grabbed a large glass cup and a file that he was _supposed_ to use at the meeting tomorrow, but this was a matter of survival so the file had to go!

"Alright little buddy, now don't move…Easy there!"

In the hopes that this would somehow calm the beast, Alfred continued speaking to it like a wild horse, creeping closer and closer to it with his glass and file.

"There…..There….So...Close…."

At the last moment possible the little devil scurried to the other corner and started up the wall slowly.

"Oh, I see, running away are we?! What are you Italy, get back here!"

The spider continued to scurry up the wall and rested on the upper corner of the room, by the ceiling. With a heavy groan Alfred was forced to grab a broom and start trying to brush off the spider. However, it seemed that the spider had other plans as it dodged every swipe of the broom, getting onto the ceiling and resting there by the light,

"What the...How are you doing this?! Get back down here so I can free you yah stupid-"

At that precise moment, the spider leapt onto its prey...Alfred's head.

"AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF AGGGGH OH GOD GET IT OFF!"  
As Alfred flailed and screeched the spider leapt off calmly and settled back into its cozy corner while Alfred was left twitching, breathing heavily and almost ready to cry…..It wasn't his proudest moment. With a final brush down of his pj's Alfred whirled to yell at the little demon that sat in the corner so satisfied with itself.

"THIS ISN'T OVER YOU! THIS MEANS WAR YOU HEAR ME?! WAR!"

The spider merely raised its front legs happily at him, it was _taunting him….._ This _thing_ was going to pay…..

METHOD 2: _GAS IT_

 _If you are truly fearful of spiders or if it is poisonous, then I suggest using hairspray or another sort of sprayable arsenal to stun and or kill the spider._

"Well….I don't have hairspray….Oh, I know! AXE! That stuff makes even humans gag! _Surely_ , this will kill that little demon!

The weapon was quickly found and then taken back to the enemy's lair.

"No more mercy, eat AXE SUCKER!"

A thick manly musk filled the air as Alfred sprayed the spider with the Axe, swishing over him over and over again until the air was cloudy with the scent of Axe. He was choking as he looked around for the spider in the haze.

"Aha! SUCKER!"

Alfred paused to hack out the Axe that coated his mouth making him taste what a cheap perfume shop must have tasted like.

"S-SUCKER! I G-GOT YOU! OH LORD I-I G-GOT ME TOO!"

With a final hack of cheap cologne taste Alfred peered closer into the corner….And was greeted by a set of beady, _angry_ black eyes.

"HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?!"

As if to answer him the spider scurried quickly at him on those long, spindly legs….Alfred decided it was best to enact a tactful retreat back to his computer….

METHOD THREE: HEAVY ARTILLERY

 _If the hairspray was not potent enough attempt to squish the spider from a distance with a shoe or other such heavy item._

"Gotta find a book, gotta find a book!"

Alfred let out a girlish scream as he saw the spider quickly advancing on him from the kitchen, he was running out of time!

"THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!..."

A heavy bible was tossed at the demon with a heavy THUD, but it merely dodged the weapon and continued on its way to Alfred.

"AGGGGGH WHY?!"

He grabbed the next closest thing, another set of files for the meeting. The file flew through the air and scattered all over the floor, covering the spider but doing nothing to stop it and meanwhile the spider was almost to the bed, in a few more seconds it would be at the desk! So...He grabbed the lamp.

"TAKE THIS!...Wait...AH MAN NOW I GOTTA PAY FOR THAT!"  
With a loud crash, the shards of the lamp surrounded the spider but it merely wavered on its feet then advanced again. Alfred turned around to his laptop, searching for anything that might save him.

METHOD NUMBER FOUR: BURN IT

 _If you are in a highly controlled setting, attempt to use a match. The smoke will scare the spider off due to its natural instincts._

"BURN IN HELL YOU DEMON"

Inside his bombers jacket there was a lighter, his old habit of smoking died hard, but now he was grateful for this as he set his papers on fire and then started to wave it at the spider, letting the smoke envelop him.

"COME ON LEAVE ME ALONE!"

The spider scurried back, Alfred chased it back into the kitchen with his makeshift torch, unknowingly setting the rest of his files on fire as he went.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA DIE!"

The spider crept into the corner and stay there, just as Alfred was about to execute his foe when the fire alarm went off and he turned to look at the carnage he had brought to his room.

"...Oh."

The spider was abandoned as Alfred rushed to the sink, grabbing his ice bucket and filling it up with water before sloshing it onto the smoking files. The files were a soggy mess, but at least the fire was out….However...He had turned his back on his enemy. Alfred looked down ever so slow as he felt a small pressure on his foot…..It was there.

METHOD FIVE: CALL IN REINFORCEMENTS

 _If all else fails, call a trusted friend to help you get rid of the spider._

Another ear piercing, high octave scream later Alfred was on the bed, his foot twitching as he stared down the spider that was waiting for him on the floor beside the bed. His hands fumbled for his phone, once it was in his hand he searched through the contacts, hands shaking.

"O-Ok so I can't ask Matthew, he'd never let me hear the end of this...France?..No, he'd cry, Italy would too….Germany?...No...Then I'd have to admit that I need help….I GOT IT!"

His hands shook as he dialed up Belarus, the nation that would judge him, but at least she didn't spread gossip, she didn't really talk to anyone so she was perfect!

"Hey, so it's Alfred...I uh...Have an issue."

Natalia's voice was clear and sounded irritated, probably because it was one in the morning by now.

" _I know."_

"What are you talking about? I mean I didn't even tell you…."

There was a swift knock at the door and Alfred fumbled with his phone as the spider hurried to its new prey that was opening the door without even hearing Alfred's reply.

"NO WAIT IT'LL GET YOU!"

The spider made it to the door just as Natalia opened it in a black bathrobe, looking disheveled and irritated. She glared at the spider that was advancing towards her, took off her shoe and with one swift motion squished the large spider under it, then stared at Alfred as she put her shoe back on calmly.

"I-I how….How did you...Know I needed you?! I _just_ now called you!"

"Alfred… _Everyone_ has been hearing your girlish screams all night and I was the first to investigate…"

Her eyes scanned the wreckage of his room, files and shards of lamp strewn all over the floor. With one swift turn, she exited the room, shutting the door loudly behind her.

"...Oh...Uh...Well...See...See yah...at the meeting..."

His voice trailed off as he stared at the carnage around him.

"...Ahhh man….I was looking forward to buying that new game…."

 _The next morning_

"Alfred where are all of your files?"

"Oh well….About that…"

Alfred scanned the nations around him, then looked up at an angry England.

"Well uh….You see….About that…"

All eyes were on him as he squirmed until the clear cold voice of Belarus spoke up.

"England, there seems to be a spider on your back."

Amid the shrieks and laughs of the nations that were scared and those that knew, Alfred's lost files were long forgotten.

 **MAN: 1**

 **SPIDER: 0**

 _So, we see now that man may prevail against the spider nemesis, however, it would seem this is only when aided by a Belorussian with a heavy shoe…._


End file.
